It’s been a very long year in lockdown here in Amsterdam. Your partner kind of becomes your everything – best friend, housekeeper, therapist, nurse, chef, agony aunt and the list goes on.
Also, because you live, love and work on top of each other, day in, day out, you really are stuck in each other’s faces the whole time. So, Donna, how do you keep things interesting, fresh and engaging on the personal, emotional and intimate side of your life during these times?
Dear Illie from Amsterdam,
Thank you for writing to me, because whether you’re in Amsterdam or Japan, Barrydale or Brakpan, lockdown offers the same frustration to couples everywhere.
It sounds to me like you’ve got a solid commitment, good friendship and a caring relationship going. You know, some people would list their roles very differently…. The nurse, therapist part, could just as well have been doormat or punching bag – so well done on that part! It sounds to me like you almost need ‘make-up sex’ without breaking up. Secrecy without the affair. Role play without feeling silly. A little porn can go a long way, but you know, I don’t think it always hits the spot on the ‘G’.
Remember that any suggestion I make is experimental and only ever do what you both feel comfortable with. By the way, this is not my disclaimer clause insert.
Mood and timing – is key to creating excitement of any kind. The way in which you deliver a suggestion is as important as the spirit in which you receive and embrace it. I just want to remind you, that you can reclaim and create the spark and fire your heart’s desire.
What will be nice; is to create a little distance without creating distance and to express a different part of self, without feeling exposed? Let’s start with the fresh and interesting part, and the intimate and emotional aspect will have a natural knock-on effect from these.
Here’s the ‘thing’, to write a very specific and detailed letter of request to your lover – not to your best friend, not to your nurse, or chef – but to your lover. It is going to be a graphic letter. There are no justifications or excuses in this request, it is a simple:” I want you to……do X, then Y, wear X, use that vibrator/ feather/ lube…sit/ stand/ bend over…. touch me…on the floor/my office…whatever!” Catch my drift?
Dominating your matrix, is all about being practical, tactical and participating in your own life. I’ve made it easy for you, taking care of the explanation and layout of such letter FOR you. PLEASE DO let me know if I’ve missed some details, or tips to improve this process, thereby together we can contribute to lockdown relief, one orgasm at a time.
So dear Illie from Amsterdam, without further delay, please – promptly pour yourself a good glass of red wine and put some Mustang Sally on, nice and loud to help you get in the mood. After at least one glass of wine, you may read further….this below is the sample letter you will give your partner.
I want you to write me a little letter, type it, write it by hand, whatever is easiest for you. Then leave it for me ________________________ (location) by no later than _________________ (time & date).
In this letter I want you to give me a step-by-step construction of a fantasy that would please you. The devil IS in the details.
Think of it like directing your own porn scene. Think of exactly how you want it to play out. What you would like me to do, for how long, how hard, how soft?
Think of all aspects that may be important to make your fantasy an experience.
Things like smells and lighting can play a very big roll, maybe you want me not to speak or to talk dirty… Perhaps you want me to approach you from behind? Maybe you want zero eye-contact? Perhaps you want me to grab you a certain way in the heights of ecstasy?
I just want you to know that whatever it is, there’s nothing funny about it and I want to make it happen for you.
Make sure you are clear and don’t assume that I already know.
Be as descriptive as you can, no shame, nothing to be shy about. This very exercise of expecting instructions from you, is already turning me on.
Here are the rules.
- We respect the rules and stick to them
- Don’t break character, we each get a turn to instruct and another to execute instructions – you instruct first
- We never discuss or talk or even refer to ‘the thing’. Not indirectly or directly outside of leaving the notes of communicating details
- Execute the instructions given in ‘the thing’ with care, respect
- Be brave – take it on like Bette Davis on METHAMPHETAMINES!
After receiving your letter, I will prepare to make this request happen. Within a few days I will leave a note for you in the same place, telling you when to be where, for this playful appointment.
And when the time is right, you can expect a return request from me.
All my love
So, dear Illie, I wish you all the best. This is your life, have the experience you want, I would love to hear from you again. Together – through a spirit of playfulness and courage, we overcome shame for asking what we need.
Dominate your matrix!