How do you Dominate your Matrix?

I was asked:” How do you dominate your matrix?” Well, before we start, let’s just define what the matrix is.

So according to Webster’s Dictionary, it is: “something within or from which something else originates, develops or takes”. It suggests to me, that the matrix is not only here for us to form and mold ourselves in, but more importantly, our given culture and environment molds and forms us.

And oh boy!

In my very Afrikaans upbringing, that mold was clear and immovable. Little girls are sugar and spice and all things nice, so please, do not be unpleasant, or be quarrelsome and likewise, keep everyone happy. By all and any means, do NOT rock the boat.

Finally, for added good measure, throw in a dose of Calvinistic guilt to this troublesome mixture.

Luckily, I had a mother that was everything but sugar and spice and all things nice. Indeed, she was a rebel and a breaker of things, unfortunately also of people. We did not get along, so much so, that in the end I broke off all contact with her.

Consequently, I started my internal inquiry – in fact I asked uncomfortable questions of myself and also about those around me. Most of all, I closely examined the ‘matrix’, as interpreted and viewed through a patriarchal frame.

I love the following quote by Anais Nin: “I must be a mermaid; I have no fear of depth and a great fear of shallow living.”

In short, this is how I started to ‘dominate my matrix’, by going in deep and above all, going where no one else in my circles wanted to go. I asked questions about my own womanhood, such as what that means to me. In the same way, questions about my husband and my children and all of it inside this social construct.

At first, my excavation was to question my life in its entirety, from being a little girl up to the age of 47. Hence, I began to liberate myself. In particular, I wanted to know my true self in contrast to the programmed version which belongs to the matrix-mold.

To begin with, I encountered this profound book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”.  It contains a wonderful story of La Loba, in brief, a magical old woman, a bone collector, who lives inside us all. For the most part, few are aware of her and it takes deep soul-work to encounter her.

Nevertheless, there she was…

All this time, she collected and preserved the bones of that, which had been lost to me. She walks through the mountains and deserts of your life and keeps safely, that which seems invaluable to you.

Once you begin to work with her, she starts to sing over your bones, until they come back to life. In response, these bones reassemble and she continues her singing. She sings until flesh gathers around the bones. Patiently, she sits by the fire and her song persists, until finally, she reaches a knowing. In the end, when she is certain, she stands over the bones and lifts up her hands.

And so, the creature grows fur and its tail begins to move gently.

It takes its first breath.

All the while, she sings, she sings until the fully formed wolf opens its eyes. She sings, until it leaps up and take full flight over the desert and canyon!

To this end, I started to dominate my matrix and similarly, you can change yours.

To illustrate the questioning: Why am I married or a mother? Am I even sexually satisfied? Is this the job for me? Why don’t I dance anymore and why am I so f*cking bored? Should I wear my hair long? Is this the way I want to dress? How can it be wrong to masturbate? Should I give my punani a hollywood wax? In fact, the list is absolutely endless.

In conclusion, it’s all about an honest self-inquiry, more specifically, my truth, versus the adopted programming. It’s the consideration of what feels true and good to me in the now. Furthermore, compassion and understanding of why it is good for me and subsequently those around me.

To summarize, if I am not happy, I have nothing of value to offer others.

My children need a mother that is true to her own wild self. Sadly, I had to break up a family, to get to this place. I carried so much guilt for many, many years, but not anymore. Now, I nurture my wildness and my children’s, in fact I respect it.

I lived in a foreign country, at the ripe age of 49, I also learnt to ride a scooter. I ventured into the jungle in the middle of the night. I sang to myself in my pajamas. I especially learned to laugh at myself and eventually, to also touch myself with love and gentleness.

I know also, that the way I look, is not WHO I AM!

I discovered my own gentle heart and vulnerability; this is the hardest part. I made peace with my anger. I had to love parts of myself, that were once overlooked and abandoned, not just by others, but also by me. On this topic, there is a book of its own waiting to happen.

I learned to be selfish! WOW, what a revelation! Now, my yes, can only be yes, if it is in alignment with what I know to be true. And f*ck yes, nowadays, my no, is a hard no!

For the most part, I love, that I love my now.

I have my tribe and I appreciate each and every person. I love how I give hugs. I care for the vulnerable and  I never stop dreaming. Moreover, I love the fact, that I always have hope.

I believe in Mother Nature and love her. Never stop learning or evolving. I respect reason, and science and mystical tales. I deeply appreciate beauty and art and music. I revel in the fact that my body moves and that my experience of it is both rich and deep. I am grateful for every single day and gratitude serves me.

This – is how I dominate my matrix; it is something that will endure till my last breath.

In similar sage-like spirit, as Carl Sagan, I say: “for better, it seems to me, that in our vulnerability, look death in the eye and be grateful every day for the brief, but magnificent opportunity that life provides”

Just be grateful for your life, body, soul and mind! And f*cking enjoy it!

Laugh too loud! Sing off key! Dance badly! Hug tightly. Rescue animals! And for f*cks’ sake, please smell the flowers, also wear perfume and gaudy jewelry.

Look yourself in the eye every morning and smile. Always look other people and animals in the eye, because ultimately, we are all just souls on a journey trying our hardest; to dominate our matrix.

Blessed be.

Anna